I’m completely for gender equality with regard to all opportunities, be they in education, sports, work, or any other aspect of life. I believe people should be free to live their lives in a way that reflects them, their thoughts, and feelings. That also means allowing boys and girls to enjoy differences, free from societal and parental interference, which come naturally to many of them.
As I watched our son, his friend, our daughter, and nieces play not long ago I saw a marked difference in their approach to fun. The boys were rowdy, laughing and shouting while wrestling in the water. Their pleasure came from tackling and dunking each other. While the girls laughed and screamed as they dove and pulled each other through the waves, their focus was not on one-upping one another, it was simply a part of the overall game they had created.
There were moments when all the kids joined forces in a big splash fest, but what was obvious, and what Bou explained to me with all the wisdom of a 13 year-old, was that even though girls can occasionally be just as rough and tumble, boys sometimes need to beat the living crap out of each other. In fun.
The marks left over following a challenging day – large, purplish-black bruises on limbs from being pelted by paint balls – become badges of honour for boys. PG isn’t squeamish about bruises, she’s often covered in them from the knees down thanks to an active nature, but she doesn’t show them off with pride. She acknowledges that they are a result of climbing, riding, biking, or jumping, and moves on. Bou; however, proudly displays his marks as proof of his daring.
Until I had a son I didn’t understand that boys have a particular need to express themselves physically that should be encouraged, sometimes guided, but always allowed to manifest itself. What of their safety? I get it, parents worry. But it’s okay for boys to tumble out of trees while daring each other to climb, or to wipeout going over homemade jumps on their bikes.
A few bumps aren’t going to maim them. The scrapes will teach them where their limits lie and allow them to stretch past those and grow. And I’m all for girls doing these things too. I climbed more trees growing up than I can remember and often had my legs and arms covered in cuts and bruises.
We saw mountain bikers racing down the side of Whistler Mountain a few summers ago. After seeing those displays of mad guts Bou was eager to push his own boundaries. Since then D and I have seen a difference in his willingness to try new things. Not a bad lesson.
If we were to curtail his jump building Bou would learn to stay comfortably ensconced in a narrow zone. That doesn’t sit well with us. PG is also learning to push her boundaries. She already does it on horseback and after being inspired by Canadian gold medal skier Ashleigh McIvor, she hit the slopes. These sports are physically demanding for a child who looks like a delicate sprite, but for PG pushing herself physically is also a mental challenge as she overcomes inherent shyness when in front of people.
What riles me is the trend in some media outlets, and within certain groups, to paint our kids grey so that they’ll all be the same. As if sameness were something to celebrate. It reminds me of the bland world of The Giver by Lois Lowry. A homogenous society is a slippery slope towards conformity and rejection of differences. That’s not a good place for anyone to live.
Please let our boys be daredevils if they choose to be. And our girls too, just don’t force it if that’s not how they’re wired. We need to tone down our restraints. Children aren’t dolls to be sat prettily in a corner waiting to be placed and moved the way adults see fit.
Katja, it is so delightfully true. Yesterday my son and his friend sat, bored, after I rang the buzzer on their video game time limit. My daughter had a friend here as well. I listened to the boys in the living room: “I’m bored. Wanna just hit each other?”
That’s all that was needed to start a pillow sfight/wrestling match.
The girls? Braiding each others hair and giggling.
And I like to think I run a gender neutral, or at least *unbiased* household.
Gender stereotypes came from somewhere. It doesn’t mean we should foster only that aspect, but we shouldn’t try to erase them either.
It was obvious from when my guys were still babies and toddlers. (But I was honestly surprised.) Even then they wanted to hurl themselves off the couch and wrestle. I bought gentle toys….thinking we could tralala tralala along. Nope. It was all whomp! crash! thump!
Yes, lots of thumping. Sometimes I wonder if the house will fall down.
Thanks for sharing. I have three boys under the age of 9 and my friends with girls just don’t get it. The grocery store patrons do not get it. The hair salon does not get it. My parents do not get it. They are boys! Gonna share this…love it!
Heck, I have two boys and *I* still don’t get it.
It’s hard enough for us to get it, never mind people who don’t live with boys.
Sigh. I have a boy (11) and a girl (15) and I do know what you’re talking about. I try to let them be daring and test their boundaries, but it’s probably going to be the end of me.
I have to keep reminding myself that they are both not made of sugar and my overbearing mothering won’t do them any favours.
My son is especially accident prone and if it can happen to him it will – which I’m OK with, as long as it’s not the head. He fell and hit his head so hard when he was 3 years old that he had intracranial bleeding (ambulance, ICU, the whole nine yards) – so anything but the head is fine
Yikes! I agree, nothing around the head. My son cracked his skull open when he was four slipping off a chair. Luckily it was superficial, but the blood was scary.
While not every boy needs to beat stuff with any stick he finds on a walk and not every girl is drawn to dolls, they are still pretty apt stereotypes. I still offer my boys glitter, butterflies, and pink. And I won’t let their Y chromosome be an excuse for beating on each other. But I also encourage the climbing, the banging, the noise, and the wildness. Because it’s who they are. I think we do every child an injustice if we assume anything about them. I think the best thing we can do is honor who each individual child is. Whether they fit the stereotype or not.
That’s the best thing we as parents, and society as a whole should remember, each child is an individual.
Hear! Hear ! Je suis complètement d’accord. Vive la différence !!!
Merci Lyne. Plus de différence qu’il y a, plus la vie est intéressante.
Couldn’t agree with you more. Yet another discussion we will have over wine
I look forward to that chat. We’ll need lots of wine.
A similar issue I’ve never understood in the parenting world is the desire to prevent kids from having stereotypical “boy” or “girl” toys. I’ve never encouraged a particular type of toy for my son. When he expresses an interest, it’s because it caught his eye. And you know what catches his eye? Trains. Construction. Cars. Bikes. Lego. I could go on and on. Occasionally, he’ll pick out a pink stuffed animal. Once he asked for a doll. But nine times out of ten, his choices are going to fall into the stereotypical category. But because they are his choices I’m not at all worried about it. He might be a kid, but he’s a person with thoughts and preferences and I will raise him to express those freely.
Great post!
That is perfect: “he’s a person with thoughts and preferences and I will raise him to express those freely.” We need to allow our children the freedom to express themselves, whether in a stereotypical way or not. Thank you for your input.
From the other side of the coin…it’s also okay that my boy DOESN’T like to wrestle, whack and hit other kids. It can be a struggle to have to help him navigate and accept this part of himself when so many others around him “expect” him to be that way simply because he is “boy”. Great piece, Katja!
It’s the ‘expectations’ of how any one child should behave that should be stowed. Thank you for the other side of the coin reminder.
[...] there’s also no denying that girls and boys are different. As Kat from Jack Straw Lane asks, what’s wrong with that? Nothing. Absolutely [...]